Title: Absolute Beginners
Author: gothikmaus
Fandom: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: R
Category: angst, romance, episode-related
Summary: Nick really believed he had a chance. A chance to make up for lost time, to finally be happy. Apparently, he had been wrong.
A/N: References to episodes 15x06 "The Twin Paradox", 15x18 "The End Game" and 16x01-02 "Immortality". Title is from the David Bowie's song, because it came on the radio while I was trying to come up with a title and I thought it was quite fitting.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and all related characters are property of CBS. I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.
How many more close calls does he need? What else has to happen before Nick finally makes up his mind? Every time either of them ends up in a hospital bed, battered and bruised and little more traumatized, Nick thinks 'This is it, I'm gonna tell him.' But every time he finds an excuse, a reason why he shouldn't, a justification to talk himself out of it.
'Not this time,' he thinks, looking at Greg as he gingerly touches the bandage on his forehead and winces.
It's not even that bad a wound compared to some of the things they both have gone through in all the years they have worked together: it's not worse than the time Greg's DNA lab blew up, leaving him with scars on his skin and a tremor in his hands that took forever to go away, and definitely nothing compared to when he was almost beaten to a pulp by a gang of stupid, bored kids whose idea of fun was turning unsuspecting tourists into living punching bags. Nick can still feel rage coil in the pit of his stomach whenever he thinks back of that, can still remember seeing Greg lying in a hospital bed, the top of his head wrapped up in bandages and the rest of his face swollen almost beyond recognition. He hadn't been able to walk into the room at first, bile rising in his throat and a wave of nausea almost making him sick as he looked at the unmoving form reclining back against the pillows, the ringing in his ears covering all the noises around him.
So, really, a small head wound shouldn't affect him so much. But the sight of Greg standing in the locker room with slumped shoulders, a bandage on his forehead and a sad, dejected expression on his face is the proverbial last straw that finally spurs Nick on.
"Hey, Greg," he says, hoping he doesn't sound as nervous as he feels. "How's the head?"
Greg shrugs.
"Could be worse. My mom did always say I'm pretty thick-headed."
Nick smiles, glad to see that Greg can still joke about the situation.
"You in the mood for breakfast?"
Greg looks unsure for a moment, then shrugs again.
"Why not?"
***
They eat and chat like they would any other day, but Nick can see Greg is still thinking about the woman Finn killed, replaying the scene in his head over and over, considering it from every angle, an endless series of "what ifs" unwinding before him and filling him with doubts.
Nick's fingers twitch. He's dying to reach out and cover Greg's hand with his, offering him reassurance. He wonders what Greg's reaction would be: would he blush? Would he look at him with those huge brown eyes like he used to when he was still an eager DNA tech trying to impress him and convince him to take him out into the field? Nick feels his heart rate pick up at the thought.
"You know, there was a time when I thought you were flirting with me. Like, actually flirting."
Greg studies him for a while. A small, sad smile dawns on his lips.
"I was."
Nick can swear he feels his heart stop and then start beating even faster than before.
"Man, this job has been so bad for my self-esteem. First Sara, then you, Morgan... A lesser man could seriously start doubting himself," Greg goes on, trying to lighten the mood.
Nick feels his stomach drop. Morgan. He completely forgot about her. It's quite clear Greg still has a crush on her: Nick has noticed the way Greg keeps stealing glances in her direction whenever they work together, or how he always seems to stand so close to her when they're talking, his smile brightening his whole face every time she playfully teases him. He suddenly feels like an idiot. He had his opportunity and missed it, and it might be too late now. But he doesn't want to backpedal again.
"I wish I'd done something about it. I... I wanted to. But I never dared."
Greg is staring at him, not saying a word. He eventually blinks and looks away.
"Why are you telling me this now, after all this time?"
"I... I just thought you should know."
Greg shakes his head.
"I would've given anything to hear those words back then. Anything."
"Well, maybe it's not too late."
The look Greg gives him is like a punch to Nick's stomach.
"It's been years, Nick. Years. You can't expect someone to... to just wait around for you until you make up your mind. It doesn't work like that."
He reaches for his wallet and grabs a few bills, placing them on the table as he stands up.
"I'll see you at the lab," he says, and leaves without looking back.
***
In the following weeks, Nick can't shake the feeling that Greg is putting some distance between them. Sure, he's perfectly professional during cases and even throws in a few jokes here and there, but something feels different. Greg suddenly seems very aware of personal space, always making sure they're not standing too close even when they're working together; he only accepts Nick's invites to breakfast if someone else is tagging along, and when he does, he avoids sitting next to him; whenever they're talking, he never quite looks Nick in the eye.
That's not how Nick thought things would go. And maybe he had been too optimistic, too naive, but he really believed he had a chance. A chance to make up for lost time, to finally be happy. Apparently, he had been wrong.
When the call from San Diego comes, he knows what to do.
***
Nick's eyes linger on the pictures hanging inside his locker, and a sudden wave of melancholy washes over him. He knows he's doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. As he closes the metal door, it feels like he's closing the most important chapter of his life.
Sara's voice pulls him out of his reverie. She's trying her best not to be too emotional, but he can see she's far more affected than she would like to let on. Greg is standing next to her, and Nick keeps glancing in his direction, unable to look away for too long.
"I'll miss you."
His eyes are fixed on Greg as he says those words. Greg, who seems genuinely happy for him, proud, and Nick feels warmth spread in his chest as he says "Lab Director Nick Stokes".
Yeah, he'll make a damn good lab director, he's sure of it. If only it wasn't so difficult to leave everything behind.
***
They drink too much, but Nick doesn't really care. This will be his last chance to spend some quality time with his friends – his family – before he leaves, and if he ends the night less than sober, so be it.
All three of them are tipsy and giggly by the time they leave McCarthy's, and it's quite clear no one is in the condition to drive. When the first taxi arrives, both Nick and Greg agree Sara should take it ("Ladies first"), and she only protests a little before hugging Nick tight and getting into the car.
Once he's alone with Greg, Nick takes a deep breath and speaks.
"I meant what I said earlier. I will miss you."
Greg looks at him, eyes shiny and cheeks flushed.
"Why are you doing this?" Greg asks. "And I don't mean going to San Diego. I mean... this," he adds, gesturing vaguely between them.
Nick sees a taxi approaching.
'Come with me.'
The words are on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill from his lips. But he can't say that, he has no right. Why would Greg abandon everything he has worked so hard for, leave the city he is so deeply fascinated with? For him? He already made it quite clear that train left the station a long time ago, and Nick was way too late to catch it.
He lifts a hand, moving slowly and looking out for any reaction from Greg as he cups the back of Greg's head and pulls him into a hug. Greg just stands still at first, then gingerly puts his arms around Nick.
"Take care," Nick says as the taxi pulls up next to them.
***
Greg tries very hard not to think about Nick in the following weeks. They still need to find a replacement for him, but the Las Vegas criminals don't seem to care about the forensics lab being understaffed, and cases just keep piling up on their desks. Greg doesn't mind working overtime and pulling doubles, it's a way to keep himself busy and not dwell on Nick's words. Still, when he's lying in bed after a long shift and can't fall asleep, he sometimes wonders why Nick decided to make a move after all the years they have worked together. And it's true, there used to be a time when he would have given anything to hear Nick say those words. Hell, he would have given up on his dream of becoming a CSI if that meant he could have a chance with him. But Nick never said anything, never gave any indication he was even remotely interested. Greg wondered if their friendly banter was bordering on flirting a few times, but whenever he took a step in that direction, Nick took a step back.
Greg could take a hint. So he moved on, had a few affairs, flirted with Morgan. He pushed the thought of Nick to the back of his brain. Only for Nick to spill the beans like that years later.
'It's not fair,' he thinks as he catches sight of a Texas flag magnet on one of the whiteboards. It's like everything reminds Greg of him. He thought he had got over his feelings for Nick, but apparently all he needs is a stupid, cheep magnet and now he simply can't get him out of his mind.
'It's not fucking fair.'
And then all hell breaks loose, and he has no time to think at all.
***
Morgan is trembling like a leaf in his arms, sobbing onto his shoulder. He holds her tight and buries his face into her hair, his heart thumping in his chest. They didn't die. It was a damn close call, the newest one at the bottom of an already ridiculously long list, but they're all still alive.
As he slowly runs a hand up and down Morgan's back trying to comfort her, Greg finds himself thinking about Nick, about the hug they shared just before he left, about the soft "Take care" he whispered in Greg's ear. He closes his eyes and lets the memories of the years they spent together flood his mind.
***
Nick grins as he sees the caller ID on his cell phone.
"Hey, Sara!"
"Hello, Mr. Lab Director. How's the new job going?"
She sounds happy, and Nick thinks he can hear something in the background: wind, perhaps, or maybe the crashing of waves.
"All good, all good. The San Diego criminal population is keeping me busy."
"That's good. Listen, I just so happen to be in town. Do you think you can find some time in your very busy schedule to meet with an old friend?"
"I always have time for you."
He gives her the name and address of a small restaurant he discovered the previous week and they agree to meet there for dinner. He has a huge smile on his face for the rest of the afternoon.
***
He spots her immediately. Her cheeks and nose are pink, as if she has spent a few hours in the sun, and she's smiling at the person sitting next to her. It only takes Nick a few seconds to recognize him, even after years without seeing him.
"Grissom."
His hair and beard are whiter now, a few more wrinkles lining his face, but his expression is still the same as he smiles up at Nick, eyes as blue and sharp as ever.
"Hello, Nicky."
***
"So, how is... everyone doing?"
He corrects himself just in time. There's only one person at the Vegas lab he really wants to know about, but he's not ready to reveal himself like that.
They tell him all about the latest case, the explosions, Catherine coming back. Nick feels his stomach twist in a painful knot when Sara explains how Catherine, Greg and Morgan managed to defuse the bombs at the very last moment, and hopes his face doesn't betray his feelings. Greg almost died – again – and he wasn't there to help him.
As they change the subject, he congratulates Sara on her promotion and she tells him how Lindsey has followed in her mother's footsteps.
"Please, tell me Greg isn't flirting with her too," Nick says with a smile.
She bursts out laughing.
"God, no. That would be too much even for him."
Nick takes a breath before asking the next question.
"How about Morgan? Did she finally give in to his charms?"
He has to know. Maybe knowing will finally give him a sense of closure.
Sara snorts and shakes her head.
"Honestly? I don't think that's ever gonna happen. And I'm sure that, deep down, Greg knows it too. He just keeps it up because, hell, it's Greg, that's just how he rolls. Remember what he used to be like when I first moved to Vegas? Man, it was embarrassing. Even annoying at times. But, in hindsight, it was also kinda sweet."
Nick doesn't know how to feel about that. He's perfectly aware he should just forget him and move on, but his stupid heart refuses to do so. It's taken him so long to finally admit his feelings, and now it's like he simply can't let them go. And knowing that Morgan is not really part of the picture is only making things worse.
He smiles and puts his full attention back into the conversation, hoping time and distance will do the trick.
***
"Hey, welcome back. How was San Diego?" Greg asks as he enters Sara's office.
"Lovely," she says, beaming up at him. "We had dinner with Nick."
Greg feels his heart skip a beat.
"How is he?"
"He's enjoying the new job, couldn't stop babbling about his team and how awesome everyone is," she replies, grinning.
Greg forces out a smile.
"Well, that's what he wanted, isn't it? To be in charge of his own team, something he could never quite do here. He must be happy."
She nods.
"Yeah, and he deserves it. But as we were saying goodbye, he got this wistful look, even if it was just for a second. He looked so... Lonely." She pauses, her expression turning serious. "You know, in all the years I've known him, I've never seen him in a real relationship, and I really wish he had someone to lean on: being lab director is a big responsibility, on top of moving to a new city and leaving everyone behind. He shouldn't have to shoulder all that by himself."
Greg remains silent, watching her as she frowns.
"I mean, maybe he's just nostalgic: it's a big change, he'll need time to adjust. But I got the impression that a part of him is still here in Vegas."
He doesn't comment on that. He has a pretty good idea what, or rather who, is keeping Nick tied to Sin City.
***
Greg takes a few days off to visit his parents. It's been a while since he last saw them, and his mom has been nagging him for months. He has to admit it feels good to be back. He eats too much home-made food, meets up with some old friends he hasn't seen in ages, and his mom asks him the usual question only one time.
"When are you finally going to find a nice girl and settle down? Or a nice man. You know I just want you to be happy," she adds as an afterthought.
He gives her the same evasive answers she has heard for years and tries not to think of how Nick would charm her in no time, with his Southern gentleman manners and big, brilliant smile.
He should call him. Ask him how things are going, if he's finally gotten used to his new life. Hell, he could even pop down for a quick visit, San Diego is just a couple of hours away. But he doesn't know what would happen if he did. And he's not sure he wants to find out.
***
On the last day before he has to go back to Vegas, he gives in and calls him. He's about to hang up when Nick finally answers.
"Stokes."
Nick's voice sounds clipped, and Greg is starting to regret his decision.
"Hey, Nick. Is this a bad time?"
There's a moment of silence, in which Greg can hear a jumble of noises in the background, some distant shouting, a police siren. He must have caught him on a scene.
"Greg?" Nick finally asks, his voice much softer.
"I can call back later if you're busy."
"No, no, I... Just gimme a sec."
He hears shuffling, muffled voices, and what sounds like Nick half-shouting "I'll be right back."
"Hey. Sorry, I didn't realize it was you when I picked up the call."
Greg finds himself smiling. He can picture Nick's apologetic expression perfectly, as if he were standing in front of him instead of 150 miles away.
"Don't worry. Being lab director ain't easy, huh?"
Nick chuckles, and Greg realizes he has missed that sound terribly.
"No rest for the wicked. Or the good. Whatever."
There's a pause in the conversation, and Greg isn't so sure about his idea anymore.
"I, uh, am in California visiting my parents at the moment, and I thought I could maybe drive down to San Diego for a chat and a few drinks before I go back to Vegas tomorrow? But it sounds like you have your hands pretty full, so don't worry if you can't."
There, he's given Nick the perfect out. Nick knows Greg won't get offended if he turns him down, they're both way too familiar with working long hours and getting too little rest.
"No!" Nick's voice is a little louder than strictly necessary. "No, don't worry. I'll always find time for my friends. Just be aware I might be a little wiped out and not very good company. This case ain't looking good."
"Well, good thing I have such a charming personality, I can cheer you up in no time," Greg replies, relief flooding through him. "I'll fill you in on all the latest office gossip. I can even talk for the both of us if you're too tired to chat."
Nick's warm laughter sends a shiver down Greg's spine.
"That you can definitely do."
***
"Hey!"
Greg has to bite his tongue not to blurt out a heartfelt "You look awful": Nick has dark circles under his eyes, his face looks pale and gaunt, and he can barely keep his eyes open. But he smiles broadly as soon as he sees Greg, a smile Greg has missed more than he's ready to admit.
"Hey, G. It's good to see you, man."
"It's good to see you too."
Greg pauses, not quite sure what to do or say. He was half-expecting a hug, but Nick is visibly holding back, his hands twitching, as if he wants to reach out and touch, but is forcing himself not to.
"The beard is back," he eventually adds, nodding toward Nick's face.
"Yeah. I'm thinking of shaving it off, though," Nick comments, running his fingers down his cheeks and over his chin. "There's a little too much gray in it."
"No. It looks..." Good. No, Greg can't say that. "Distinguished." There. Neutral enough.
Nick grins.
"That's just a polite way of saying 'old', but thanks."
Greg smiles and feels himself relax. He has missed the friendly banter between the two of them; the office just hasn't been the same since Nick left.
"So, what do you feel like doing?" Greg asks, not missing Nick's barely stifled yawn. "Wanna show me one of your new haunts?"
"Actually," Nick says, and Greg has the distinct impression he's somewhat nervous. "I'm pretty tired, I'd rather just go home. We can drink a couple of beers at my place and order something to eat. I do have a nice backyard."
Greg tries not to read too much into Nick's invite. The man is clearly exhausted, of course he'd rather go home, so he won't have to drive all the way back when Greg leaves.
"Sure, I'd like to see your new digs."
Nick smiles and visibly relaxes.
"Good. And, you know, there's someone else who'd like to see you."
***
As soon as they open the gate, Sam trots up to them, wagging his tail.
"Hey, Sam! What's up, buddy? Comment ça va?" Greg says, petting the dog's head.
Sam barks twice, wagging his tail even faster and hopping playfully around them. Nick smiles and crouches down, giving him a good scratch behind the ears.
"You missed Greg too, didn't you?"
Nick's smile falters when he realizes what he's just said, and he's grateful when Greg doesn't comment on that.
"So. Beer?" He asks as he stands back up, not quite looking Greg in the eye.
Greg nods and follows him inside.
***
They drink and chat and laugh, falling back into a familiar routine that feels like the most natural thing in the world. They sit in Nick's garden, enjoying the mild San Diego evening, and are only interrupted by Sam demanding to play fetch every now and then. At some point they order pizza, and Nick doesn't even need to ask which one Greg wants.
"You still remember," Greg says, a small smile curving his lips upward.
Nick just shrugs, as if that's not a big deal. A faint blush spreads across Greg's cheeks, and for the first time since he moved to San Diego, Nick feels truly happy.
But it doesn't last long. After they've polished off their pizza and finished their beers, Greg checks his watch and his expression falls.
"I should get going, it's getting late."
The thought of Greg going back to Vegas sends a sharp stab of pain through Nick's chest, but he doesn't say anything. He simply nods and walks him to the front door. He knew this moment would come, knew they would only have a few hours together. That doesn't make it any easier.
They stand awkwardly in front of each other for a few moments, until Nick reaches out and envelopes Greg in a hug.
He should say something. Something like "It was good to see you", or "Have a safe trip", or "Don't be a stranger". He says none of those things.
"Stay," he whispers instead.
'Tonight. Tomorrow. Forever.'
"I... I don't think that's a good idea."
Greg is right, that would be a terrible idea, yet Nick can't seem to let go of him, his arms refuse to release him, end the embrace. But Greg isn't pulling away either, hands planted firmly against Nick's back, and Nick dares to hope. One of his hands slides up to the back of Greg's head, and a small tremor runs through Greg's body. Nick turns his head to the side and buries his face in the crook of Greg's neck, and Greg takes a shaky breath.
"Nick..."
His voice is feeble, trembling, and Nick knows he should step away, let him go back to Vegas and his life. But he doesn't want to.
"I really want to kiss you."
He feels Greg's fingers clutch his shirt, and the gesture gives him enough strength to raise his head and look at him. There's an edge of desperation in Greg's expression, and a longing that Nick is sure is reflected on his own face. He leans in slowly, allowing Greg to move away if he wants to. But Greg doesn't move away: he stays right there in Nick's arms, a small whimper escaping him when their lips finally meet.
Nick's heart is hammering in his chest, both of his hands framing Greg's face as they kiss and kiss. It starts off as tentative at first, almost shy, but quickly turns heated, desperate. Nick tries to draw back and take a breath, but Greg surges forward, lips never leaving Nick's as he presses him up against the door. He pushes one knee between Nick's legs, his hands gripping his hips, and bites down on Nick's tongue as it slips into his mouth.
"Why," he pants in between kisses. "Why did you wait so long?"
"Because I'm a fool," Nick replies, sounding wrecked, and buries his fingers in Greg's hair again, keeping him close.
Greg lets out a small laugh, but doesn't stop kissing him.
"Do you have any idea how many times I thought about this? Dreamed about this?" he asks, mouth moving along Nick's jaw, the beard tickling his lips.
"I should've made a move sooner."
"Yeah. Yeah, you should have."
"Do you still think it's too late?"
Greg is perfectly aware Nick isn't referring to the current time.
"Yeah," he eventually answers. "But I don't care."
***
"How am I supposed to go back to Vegas now?"
They're lying in Nick's bed, legs tangled together and arms wrapped around each other.
"You don't have to."
Greg closes his eyes and sighs.
"Nick..."
"I know, I know."
Nick lets his hands roam over Greg's back, down his sides, along his arms, anywhere he can reach. He thought living without Greg was hard before, but now that he knows what he tastes like, what he feels like, now that he's had him coming apart in his arms... Now it will be impossible.
Greg takes a deep breath, and Nick knows he's about to speak, about to explain to him why this can never happen again. Nick should consider himself lucky for getting a tiny taste of what he could have had if only he had acted sooner. He closes his eyes and gets ready for the blow.
But the words that come out of Greg's mouth are not what he's expecting.
"How do you feel about long-distance relationships?"
***
Greg has just gotten into his car when his cell phone rings. He groans, head falling back against the headrest, and is tempted to simply ignore the call. It has been a long night, and all he wants to do is go home, collapse in bed and sleep for ten hours straight. He sighs and reaches for his phone, hoping it's not an emergency. As soon as he sees the caller ID, all the tiredness leaves his body and he can feel himself smile.
"Good morning, Nick."
"Good morning. Are you home?"
"Not yet. A new girl just started the other day and I stayed a little longer to show her the ropes."
"So you got some new blood, huh?"
"Yeah, finally. I hope she's a quick study because, man, she's gonna have her hands so full."
"Try not to traumatize her too much."
Greg snorts.
"You mean I shouldn't do to her what you and Warrick did to me?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Right. Anyway, she's a smart girl, very enthusiastic, but man, she's so... green. Were we ever that young?"
There's a chuckle on the other end of the line.
"Yeah, we were. And hey, at least you're not the one with the graying beard."
Greg smiles.
"So you kept it."
"Someone told me it looks distinguished."
Greg feels warmth spread in his chest at the thought that Nick decided to keep it because of his comment.
"Yeah, it really does."
There's a moment of silence before Nick clears his throat and goes on.
"I heard you got a new boss too."
"Yeah, she started last week. My head is spinning with all these changes."
"Think she's gonna let me borrow her best man for a couple of weeks?"
***
The arrivals area is almost empty and Greg spots him right away. Yes, the beard is still there, and so is the familiar smile that brightens Nick's whole face as soon as he sees him.
"Hey," Nick greets him when he stops in front of him.
"Hey. Thanks for picking me up. I could've just taken a taxi, I know you're busy."
"I know you could have, but I wanted to."
Greg can see Nick's fingers twitch, as if he wants to reach out and touch him, but doesn't dare to.
"And thanks for letting me stay at your place," he adds with a smile.
"Yeah, well, that was all part of my cunning plan to have your temporary assignment to the San Diego lab approved: the finance department was delighted to hear there would be no lodging costs involved."
"You're an evil mastermind, Director Stokes."
Nick grins and finally wraps an arm around Greg's shoulders, pulling him close as he guides him out of the airport.
***
Greg's first day at the San Diego Crime Lab goes off without a hitch. He's sent out to a scene near the zoo, paired with a girl who looks like she's barely out of high school, but who turns out to be extremely competent. On the way back, he finds out she likes the same kind of music he used to blare out of his portable stereo in his lab rat days, and she gives him the names of a few small clubs he should check out if he's in the mood for some live music.
Later that night, Greg shivers as Nick slowly undresses him, kissing every inch of newly revealed skin. He puts his hand on the back of Nick's head, noticing his hair is a little longer than the last time they met. Just long enough for him to thread his fingers in it.
'Just the way I like it.'
He smiles. Nick is really not as subtle as he thinks he is. He could have called anyone to cover for the sudden shortage of staff in the lab, but he called Greg. Greg knows he did that for one specific reason: to show him what his life could be like if he ever decided to leave Vegas.
He gasps as Nick unzips his fly and plants a kiss just below his navel. Greg lifts his hips and Nick pull down his pants and briefs, leaving a trail of kisses along his thighs, his neatly trimmed beard tickling Greg's skin.
'Yes,' Greg thinks. 'I could get used to this.'
And then he stops thinking altogether when Nick runs his tongue up the underside of his dick and closes his lips around the head.
Afterwards, as he lies sated and spent in Nick's arms, he remembers a conversation he once had with Morgan. She told him he should stop living in the past and try to move forward. "The best is yet to come," she had said, smiling sweetly at him. And if he really thinks about his fascination with Vegas history, he has to admit it's just a way to ignore the present. The golden age of glamour is his safe place, the little hideout he can lose himself in whenever he wants to forget about his life for a while. He wasn't ready to let go of that back then, but maybe now he finally is.
For the moment, though, he just wants to enjoy this perfect moment. He snuggles closer to Nick, smiling as he feels the other man's arm reflexively tighten around his waist in his sleep, and closes his eyes. He will think about the future tomorrow.
-----
April 2022