Title: Happily ever after
Author: Ligeia ~ gothikmaus @ hotmail.com
Fandom: Orgy (RPS)
Pairing: Jay/Paige + ?
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, romance
Summary: Paige remembers something that hurt
The following story is a mere work of F I C T I O N, meaning it is 100% made up. None of the situations described here ever happened, and even if they did, I have no way of knowing. This is not about spreading rumours or, worse, libel. The people portrayed in this story are real, but I am NOT claiming they did what I wrote. I use their "public personas" and build stories around them as if they were fictional characters.
I still remember the day my heart broke, the exact moment I felt it crack up and crumble into little pieces. Funny how I'm thinking of it now, perfect in my black tuxedo, getting ready for this day of joy and celebrations...
*****
I was at Jay's again, he had called me to discuss some ideas for a couple of new songs. And, again, I couldn't concentrate. I'd had feelings for him for years, but I was finding it more and more difficult to hide them, especially since that night when he had confessed me he was bi. I had always hoped he was, so I would've had at least a chance of...what? Being with him? Winning his heart by telling him how much I loved him? That worked in sappy cheap movies, reality was a different thing. Yet there I was, sitting on his sofa mindlessly plucking my bass and losing myself in one of my usual fantasies. This time we were on the floor of his living room huddled up together under a warm blanket in front of the fire, snow falling outside and painting his garden in glistening white; he was holding me tight and whispering love vows in my ear. That was the point where he usually started kissing and touching me with more passion and where I ended up in the bathroom either taking a cold shower or attending to myself. Either way, alone.
"Huh...Paige?" I nearly jumped as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was so wrapped up in my happy little world that I'd almost forgotten about the real Jay. "Did you even hear a word I said?"
I looked down at my bass. "Well, actually not, I got a little...uhm...distracted. You were saying?"
That smile. The one that still makes me blush like a hopeless teenager any time I see it. "I just said we can't use that for our song. And isn't it a bit too early to think of Christmas?" My utterly clueless expression must have been really funny 'cos he burst out laughing. "Man, you were playing 'White Christmas'. I bet you didn't even realize it." Indeed. I felt my cheeks getting warmer and looked down again. Playing 'White Christmas' in June wasn't exactly a smart thing. But it did fit the mood of my little daydream perfectly. "Hey, don't worry, Paige. Love does tend to make people act a bit...strange." My head shot up. Love? Did he know? Who told him? Nobody knew, how could he...
"What..."
"Don't even try to deny it, Paige. I've seen you in love before, I know the symptoms. But I have to say I've never seen you so...gone. Must be a pretty damn serious thing." I gave a mental sigh of relief. I knew I was obvious, but luckily not *that* obvious. "Come on, spill it. Who's the lucky one?"
You. I wanted to tell him, scream at him, couldn't he see how much I loved him? Obviously not, otherwise he wouldn't be asking. "Huh...well..." Fragments of my countless dreams came back to me. Jay hugging me after I told him I loved him; his hands cupping my face as he said he felt the same; the two of us entangled on his bed making love for hours. And then the nightmares. His cruel laughter as he said he could never have feelings other than pity for a pathetic loser like me; harsh words as he slammed the door right in my face; my world crumbling as he kicked me out of the band because he couldn't work with me anymore. Which one would come true? "I...I don't think you know him." Coward. Damn coward. I was mentally kicking myself for being so chicken. But a rejection would have killed me.
"O-kaaay, you don't wanna tell me, fine" he got up and went to the kitchen, turning to point his index finger in my direction. "But I'll find it out sooner or later." He laughed and opened the fridge. "Beer?"
-----
The rest of the evening flew nicely as usual, the so-called new songs gracefully ended up in the dustbin and I was ready to leave. I was still debating with myself whether to tell him about my feelings; as he had said, he *would* find out eventually and I wasn't sure I still wanted to hold back.
"Paige?" I turned just as he sat down on the sofa next to me. "Before you go, there's something I want to tell you."
"Yeah, me too." That was it, no turning back. "But you go first."
"All right. I..." He fumbled a little and took my hands in his. "I'm in love."
Silence. My heart began pounding so fast I thought it was going to explode. Why was he telling me? Why now? It couldn't mean...But he was holding my hands. Saying he was in love and holding my fucking hands! My mouth had gone suddenly dry. "You mean..."
"Yeah, I know I've always said it was never going to happen to me, that I didn't believe in all that shit blah blah blah. But it just kind of...happened, you know. Hell, I didn't even realize I was bi until a few months ago and now I'm in love with one of my best friends." I suddenly felt light, like I was flying and every cloud was smiling at me. I almost wanted to pinch my arm to make sure I wasn't dreaming. "And I was even afraid it wasn't mutual. I must be really blind, I mean, all the little gestures, the sweet words..."
"Well, I didn't help you one bit either..." I had the dumbest grin on my face and didn't care. I was so happy...
"Why, you knew Amir was in love with me and never told me anything?"
There. That was the moment. I felt a sharp crack run down the centre of my heart and branch out into dozens of new ones as it would do on thin ice. And the noise was deafening as I heard whatever had been in my chest shatter in what felt like a thousand pieces. "No...I-I..." I panicked. I couldn't freak out, had to swallow my pain and hold on, no matter how much it hurt. And it did hurt. "I just had...suspicions about it but, you know, I tend to see love everywhere..." Heh, fits right in.
"Yeah. But what about you? What were you going to say?"
No. I couldn't tell him now, couldn't tell anyone, anyone. "Well, it wasn't really...What the hell, forget it Jay, it wasn't important at all." I hugged him tight, pressed my face to his shoulder desperately trying to fight back tears. "I'm so happy for you..."
*****
*Sigh* It all feels so far away, yet it's like an open wound spitting out my soul as well as my blood. A lot has changed since that night: me, Jay, his relationship with Amir. The guys are already here waiting for the wedding to begin and he's the most nervous of them all. I was there when Jay told him, he was shocked; I bet he didn't see that coming. I didn't either. They stayed embraced for what I thought was forever, Amir sobbing quietly against Jay's chest not quite sure of what was going on. Then Jay pulled away and turned to me, took my hands and asked me that question...
No. I shouldn't think of it, not now. One last glance at the mirror. The only way I have to look any better is to sell my soul to Satan and ask for lethal beauty in return. All the guests are here, I have to go. Jay needs me, needs his man. His best man.
-----
December 2001