Title: On one condition
Author: Ligeia
Fandom: Die Ärzte (RPS)
Pairing: Bela/Farin
Rating: PG
Category: Romance
Summary: Die Ärzte are back. But things aren't like they used to be.
The following story is a mere work of F I C T I O N, meaning it is 100% made up. None of the situations described here ever happened, and even if they did, I have no way of knowing. This is not about spreading rumours or, worse, libel. The people portrayed in this story are real, but I am NOT claiming they did what I wrote. I use their "public personas" and build stories around them as if they were fictional characters.
"Did you sleep with him?"
Bela almost choked on his beer. "What?"
"Did you sleep with him?" Farin repeated. He looked calm and detached, but Bela knew it was only a mask, one that Jan wore when he didn't want to show what was going on in his head. He was damn good at hiding his emotions, but Bela knew him too well.
"Who?"
Farin shot him an annoyed glance. "You know who."
"Rod?"
Farin only took a sip of his tea.
"Why are you asking me this now?"
"Well, perhaps because it's the first time we've been alone in the last two weeks. I couldn't ask you while he was around, could I?"
Bela shrugged. "That's really none of your business." He took a swig of beer and put the bottle down on the table. "The answer is no, anyway."
Farin looked at him with the same deadpan expression he had worn all through their conversation.
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"You two seem to get along very well."
Bela sighed. "We've played together for four years, were you expecting us to act like complete strangers?"
"We played together longer than that. We've been friends for years. And yet..."
Bela was starting to get annoyed. "And yet, what?"
Farin looked up at him, his mask of indifference beginning to crack. "And yet you act like you can barely stand me. It's just "Hi" in the morning and "Bye" in the evening, and not much else in-between. You're always hanging around with him, telling him he's so much better than Sahnie or Hagen and that you're so happy he joined us. And of course he's a Kiss fan too, finally someone who's on your same wavelength, not just boring old Jan."
Bela stared at him in disbelief. "You're jealous of him. You're fucking jealous of him."
"I'm not jealous!"
"Oh man, this is just surreal," he pushed back his chair and got up.
"Where are you going?"
"Home. I'm fed up of hearing all this rubbish."
"It's not rubbish and you know it."
"Then tell me what the fuck you want. I thought things were going great: Die Ärzte are back, we've finally found a good bassist and the new album's gonna be a blast. And then you come out with this shit. Really, Jan, what do you want from me?"
Farin sighed. "I just want things to be like they were back then. I don't want you to treat me like a colleague. I'm fucking more than that."
A veil of sadness dawned on Bela's features. "Of course you're more than that, Jan."
"Then why can't it be like before?"
Bela looked away. "You know why."
It took Farin a few seconds to understand. "Dirk... That was five years ago. You can't possibly..."
"Some things never change," Bela said, his voice barely audible. He gave Farin a small, sad smile. "Even if you desperately want them to." He picked up his jacket and left the room without another word.
+++
Bela was drunk. He had been drunk every single night during their last tour, but that night he was unusually clingy, following Farin around, draping an arm around his waist or shoulders and being generally very touchy-feely. It was beginning to annoy the guitarist, especially when the drummer sneaked past him into his hotel room and sat down on the bed.
"Go to your room, Dirk. I want to sleep."
"But the night's still young!" Bela replied falling back against the mattress.
"And you're drunk out of your mind. Didn't you have some groupie to drag into bed tonight?"
Bela sat up and looked at him with a strangely serious expression. "I don't want groupies."
Farin raised an eyebrow at him. "Next you'll be telling me you're going teetotal."
The drummer shrugged. "You know I like them; damn, we've got the hottest fans around. I just have... something on my mind."
Farin frowned at him. Bela was always surrounded by adoring girls and it wasn't a secret he went to bed with the prettiest fans when they were on tour. But he had turned down quite a few offers in the previous weeks and often spent the night alone. Farin had thought nothing of it at first, but now it occurred to him that maybe there was a reason for that. He walked to the bed and sat down next to Bela.
"Dirk... Are you trying to tell me you've finally found someone?"
Bela shrugged again. "Maybe."
Farin grinned. "Then why that long face? That's great, mate!"
"No, it's not," he replied and stood up. "You're right, I'd better go sleep it off. Maybe tomorrow my lust for young groupies with no inhibitions will be back and everything will be fine."
"Hey, wait!" Farin stood as well and grabbed Bela's wrist before he could walk away. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Bela said without looking at him. "I just want to sleep."
"Did she turn you down?"
"There's no she, OK? No one, nothing." He tried to pull his hand away, but Farin was holding him fast. "Let me go."
"Not until you explain me what's going on."
"There's nothing to explain. God, you're the one who's always telling me 'You shouldn't take advantage of those poor girls,' and when I decide to follow your advice, you act like a fucking detective and start an interrogation."
"I just want to know what's wrong," Farin replied. He loosened his hold on Bela's wrist and the drummer snatched his hand away. "You know I'm here if you want to talk."
"You wouldn't understand."
"That's not a valid reason, it's like saying 'Because I say so.' You'll have to come up with something better than that to dissuade me."
Bela sighed. "You're going to nag me until I tell you, aren't you?"
Farin only grinned. Bela bit his lip and seemed to think over something. Eventually he took a step towards his friend and kissed him full on the lips. Farin stood stock still. He looked at Bela with wide eyes when the drummer pulled back.
Bela gave him a little smile. "See? Told you, you wouldn't understand." He turned around and left the room without looking back.
+++
Farin could still remember that night, could still remember the look Bela had given him just before walking away. His sad smile was still the same. The image made his heart clench. After not seeing or hearing from each other for five years, after everything they had gone through, Bela was still in love with him. Farin was overwhelmed. He sat at the table, staring at the empty beer bottle as if it held the answer to all his doubts. He only looked up when one of the sound technicians knocked on the open door.
"Are we going to record anything else today?"
"No, you can go home, thank you."
"See you tomorrow then."
Farin nodded and went back to staring at the bottle. He had been a coward five years before and chosen the easy way out, thinking that quitting the band would fix everything. He had obviously been wrong. And now he was back to the start.
He got to his feet and went to the door. He needed to talk to Bela.
+++
Farin rang the bell of Bela's flat and shoved his hands into his pockets. He had no idea of what he was going to say, but he knew they needed to clear things up if they wanted to go on working together.
Bela opened the door and greeted him with a tired smile. "I knew you would come." He let Farin inside and followed him into the living room. "Do you want something to drink?"
"No, thank you." The guitarist sat down on the sofa; Bela went to the window and looked outside.
"I don't want you to feel like this, believe me, I had no idea. I mean, after all this time..."
"Forget it, there's nothing you can do about it."
"But..."
"I said forget it, all right?"
Farin was silent for a moment. "What about the band?"
"I wouldn't have accepted to come back if I thought I couldn't handle the situation. Just ignore everything I said earlier and things will be fine."
"I can't just ignore the fact that my best friend is in love with me. I couldn't back then and I can't now."
"Then what do you suggest? Shall we call it quits again?"
"No, I don't want to run away this time." Farin stood and walked up to Bela. The drummer was still looking out of the window, arms folded and a frown on his face. Farin sighed and hugged him. Bela tensed up and tried to pull away, but Farin didn't let go. After a while he relaxed and slowly returned the embrace. He rested his forehead on Farin's shoulder and closed his eyes.
"You could have anyone. Why me?"
"What kind of question is that? You could have anyone too, then why that Jenny? She was even underage."
"I must've been drunk."
"You don't drink alcohol."
"I was stoned then."
"You don't do drugs."
"I, uhm, am an idiot?"
"Right."
Farin ruffled Bela's hair affectionately. "You know, if I ever decided to try something with a guy, I'd come to you."
"Shut up."
"No, really, you're the only one I trust enough to do that."
Bela glanced up at him without much conviction. Farin cupped the drummer's face in his hands, leaned down and kissed him on the lips. He couldn't suppress a smile at the sight of Bela's utterly shocked expression afterwards.
"On one condition, though." He wrinkled his nose and made an exaggerated disgusted face. "Quit smoking."
-----
February 2007