Title: Still
Author: Ligeia ~ gothikmaus @ hotmail.com
Fandom: Orgy (RPS)
Pairing: Ryan/Paige
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, romance, songfic
Summary: Ryan meets Paige again after five years.
The following story is a mere work of F I C T I O N, meaning it is 100% made up. None of the situations described here ever happened, and even if they did, I have no way of knowing. This is not about spreading rumours or, worse, libel. The people portrayed in this story are real, but I am NOT claiming they did what I wrote. I use their "public personas" and build stories around them as if they were fictional characters.
Song: Per te qualcosa ancora © Facchinetti/Negrini
~Read the original version here~
--I like your house
it feels like warm shared peace
your face, not a year older--
I'm not here. It's not you sitting in front of me; it's a mirage, a dream. You stopped being real so long ago. Still here you are, I had almost forgotten how blue your eyes look when you smile. I haven't seen that smile for five years now. But it hasn't changed at all.
--So what about me?
I am here, can't you see? I don't know
do you think I've changed? Have I?--
Of course I have. I haven't been the same person since that day, since you left. A sunny afternoon, children screaming on the road. No one should be sad on a day like that. But no one can be happy without you.
--I thank you for the thought
I didn't think
meeting would be fair
you did it for me--
I broke a glass when I heard your voice. I'm glad I was only listening to the answering machine, if I had to talk to you right then I would have done something worse than simply drop my drink. My heart dropped too when you said you wanted to see me. Now? After all this time? Why? I picked up the receiver and dialled the number you had left. One ring. Two. Perhaps you weren't home, perhaps you had changed your mind.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me..."
--I know he knows
who I am well enough
I'm sorry, I'll be gone
Before he's back--
You told him everything, didn't you? You don't want secrets when love's involved. How many nights did we spend talking about all the stupid things I'd done? You would just listen and smile, and I would cuddle you to sleep. Did you tell him that too, describe the way you used to fall asleep in my arms, to whisper my name in your dreams? Why are you so crystal-clear?
--Your hair I see
is different now
it's not the way you used to wear it
you didn't seem yourself at all--
I loved cutting your hair, loved the way you kept saying you'd look like shit whenever I tried something new. Did you ever realize just how beautiful you are? I never got tired of telling you, I hope he tells you just as often. You deserve to be treated like the heavenly creature you are. Your hair is shorter now, and brown, you don't dye it anymore. Did he ask you so? Did you change so much for him?
--Sweet, more peaceful
the sound of your voice
all around I see
a new fantasy--
You never looked like this with me, have you reached Nirvana now? It seems that nothing could ever touch you, disturb that serene smile. I wasn't good enough to do that, free you from your fears. I remember I used to wake up at night and find you struggling at my side, eyes shut tight, fighting against unknown monsters. I would hold you and you would cry. Did your knight save you, my beautiful lost princess?
--Do you remember the way you used to be
you never talked
all the storms within my mind
I always found myself alone--
I spoilt it all, threw it all away. You were the quiet one, reflective, even shy. I was messy, always cheerful, always drunk. Why did I act so stupid, trying to open you up I only ended up pushing you away. I would say 'Come fly with me' and laugh and scream and laugh some more, reach for you, cling to you, kiss you, hold you tight. When did the light in your eyes die, when did your love turn into pity?
--Now you talk about your life
your mutual understanding
in this world where you belong
you're so much more beautiful
now--
Can I touch you? Better not, I would ruin it again. You never looked so perfect: no make-up, gel or platforms, no masks to hide your real self. You talk about him timidly, as if afraid of hurting me. Your joy could never hurt me. My stupidity did. I place my hand on yours. "I'm happy for you. Really."
You smile. "Thanks."
I only wish I were there in his place.
--So much love he woke up
and kept it for himself
uselessly I'd tried to get
what you couldn't give
you know now I understand
suddenly
I had never thought
I could be wrong--
How could I be so stubborn, how could I be so blind? I thought everything was perfect; sure, every couple has problems, but we could've worked them out together. Yeah, right: together. But where was I when you needed to talk, needed to vent, needed someone who would listen and give advice? Somewhere making friends with a bottle probably. Christ, I even hit you once. You were trying to tell me I could be so much better with a little less alcohol in my veins, but I had already flirted with my beloved beer that night and lucidity wasn't quite my word. I never knew how it happened, all I know is that my arm moved and the next second you were sitting on the floor, a hand on your cheek, staring up at me. You were terrified. Terrified by me. My knees connected with the carpet with a loud thud as I sank to the ground with my head in my hands. How could I do that to you? But you were still there, you crawled closer and hugged me, rocking me gently. "Shh... I know you're sorry. It's not your fault..."
--Before I go back on my way again
please tell me
that even now in your brand new days
my world did make some sense--
You were so different when I met you, wouldn't let anybody touch you; you were so scared. You always said I was your saviour, if it hadn't been for me you would be dead, Jay would have found you in some hotel room lying on a bed soaked with your own blood. He's always been like a brother to you. Do you still write to him? Those letters you always let me read, it was like reading your diary. You never kept one, if you felt the sudden urge to verbalise your thoughts you'd use the first thing you'd come across: paper, tissues, even your hands; you'd scribble down and leave it where you knew I would find it. 'No secrets.'
Am I still your saviour?
--Let me believe I could still give
something to you
let me believe I should be worried
about us getting caught
now...--
I don't want to leave. Please God, wherever you are, please let me stay. But I've already got up, have to go, say goodbye. What if he comes back and sees me here? Will you get in trouble because of me? Of course not, I'm sure you told him I would come and he decided not to show up just so I would be more at ease. You're not that kind of guy.
"We can meet again when you have a little time." That sweet smile of yours. Did I really live five years without seeing it?
"I'd love to." I'm lying. Seeing you again would only remind me of how my life could be now. And how much I still love you.
-----
September 2001